hymns, flamingos, forgetfulness.... i can't screw it up

i had forgotten about this song... its the last track on a cd i have. it strikes me that i can feel that no one understands, and then realize that someone else has put into words emotions i could never express.

Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee when sorrows rise
On Thee when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief
For every pain I feel

But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine,
The springs of comfort seem to fail
And all my hopes decline
Yet gracious God where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust
And still my soul would cleave to Thee
Though prostrate in the dust

Hast thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there

Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet


there are times when i feel entirely out of place (like an ashtray in an ICU, or a pink flamingo in a flock of geese), i guess most of my life i've felt that i never quite fit in, always just outside of the circle, whichever one i was almost in. maybe most of you are shocked by this... it's not as if i don't have friends, dear lovely ones that have spent many hours laughing and crying with me, for me; fighting with and for each other.
i'm realizing that this feeling of not belonging has kept me from belonging. i've been so insecure with whether or not i was allowed to actually be wherever it was that i was, that i could never fully be there, drop the walls down, and open up. there have been people that have been in and out of my life and i never stopped to fully appreciate their friendship and their love. they loved me for everything i was and wasn't, and i never realized it. i guess it's better to realize it too late than to never realize it at all. perhaps it will help me not make the same mistakes again. oh that the walls would come down, that these monstrous walls of insecurity would finally crumble and fall to the feet of the cross.
a dear friend reminded me the other day of a revelation the Lord had given me last year. He said "you can't screw it up, remember?". I had forgotten. I had been shown that despite the enormity of my failings, with all my mess, and all my weakness... none of it was a match for the strength of the Lord. i had somehow come to believe that my weakness was stronger than the Lord's strength... that i could somehow mess up the Lord's will and plan for my life through my own weaknesses (even though i desire His will to be done). and somehow i forgot, and i started to believe it again. what a lie! what rubbish! His strength is made perfect through my weakness, He gets more honor and glory from the power that He works through me because of my weakness. i can't screw it up. you can't screw it up!