come let me love you, come love me again

i had the strangest song stuck in my head all day today. i don't know if i heard it playing in a store somewhere or if it just popped in there randomly. it's a song by john denver, and i'm not usually one to listen to his stuff (not that i'm opposed to it, it's just usually not the genre i prefer..) i got home tonight with the song still in my head, i didn't know all the words to the song, just the first couple lines, and it felt like maybe i could turn it into a song to the Lord.
i decided to look up the rest of the words (you've got to love google..) and realized that it was really the Lord singing it over me. and i felt all gushy, it felt like tears were about to well up. i've been feeling pretty bad lately, in regards to my relationship with the Lord. i've been neglecting Him, and i've been angry, and have taken most of my disappointments and heartaches out on Him. i realize this is not really the best thing to do, not because He'll decide to hit the "smite" button or anything, but because i'm missing out on Him. revelation about His love, goodness and faithfulness... and the One person that's always going to have my back can't comfort me nearly as much if i'm refusing to talk to Him.
so i guess what i'm getting to is this, He loves me. even when i'm angry, even when i'm disappointed, even when i don't trust Him like i should, even though i didn't know Him for majority of my life.. He's known me and loved me since before the foundations of the earth, and even when i'm being a brat, He's still singing love songs over me.

so here's the lyrics, maybe you'll start to feel all gushy too. :]

You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

camping with the home schoolers

my friend Jessi and i went camping (at Andrew Jackson State Park) this weekend with New Life Church. it was a fun experience. i'm getting to know everyone a little bit better, and remembering more names now... it's nice to be at a place small enough where i can remember at least a few names. i'm not sure if i fit there, i kind of feel out of place, and i don't know if that's my normal "i feel out of place-ness" or if it's the fact that i'm almost 30 (yikes) and i feel like a bit of an abnormality (and i wonder what they think of me) as i'm still single (and went through the public school system), and all the adults there are married and have several children (that they home school). yet i like being around people that have such close-nit families. it's kind of a marvel to me.. normal families to me seem to have become broken/split-up/multiple sets of parents/step-relatives. so really, i look at them in wonder. and it gives me hope.
the weather on friday was cold and rainy. Jessi and i set up the tent before the rain started.. and the church ordered pizza that night, so we all stood huddled in the pavilion eating pizza. when we got back to our site the rain had let up, and we started a fire and made s'mores. it started raining again, so we decided to call it a night, but when we got to our tent, we found a very large puddle had formed inside, and my sleeping bag had gotten wet. so we grabbed our stuff and headed to the car, and slept in our nice dry beds that night (yeah, i'm just not that hard core).

saturday morning i picked Jessi up, and after finding a very LARGE bug in the toe of my boot, (YUCK!!) we headed back to the camp. made coffee once we got there and ate cereal, chatted with a few people and hung up our (pointless) rain fly to dry it off. the sun was out but it had gotten a lot colder, so we stayed mostly by the fire and drank hot chocolate. a couple of the girls (rebecca and tessa?) came over and asked if we wanted to walk around the lake, so we went with them. it was a nice little trail through the woods... and it reminded me a bit of michigan. later some of the girls came back over to see if we wanted to go to the museum, so we headed up there with them, and a couple more met up with us. we walked around in the museum, and a little school house and headed back. some of the parents thanked us for taking them up there, but we told them it was really the kids that took us, haha. the kids were so fun to be around, we really had a good time.
saturday night we decided to stay there, and we bundled up and got into the tent. it took me a while to fall asleep, my legs were pretty chilly, kids were still yelling and the geese were honking, but eventually i was able to sleep. i woke up to the sound of kids talking, and figured it was time to get up and start the coffee. Jessi and i were in charge of breakfast that morning, so i grabbed what we had brought and took it to the Elliot's campsite.
we had a church service at 10, it was a good one... the sermon was about God's provision, something i needed to be reminded about, it blessed me.
later they had "the Great Race" which most of the kids participated in. they split up in teams, and there were different events each team had to complete in order to go to the next one. it was fun to watch. afterwards, Jessi and I felt it was time to go, so we said our goodbyes, and headed home.
overall, it was a great weekend. and i think i'll be sleeping well tonight.

hymns, flamingos, forgetfulness.... i can't screw it up

i had forgotten about this song... its the last track on a cd i have. it strikes me that i can feel that no one understands, and then realize that someone else has put into words emotions i could never express.

Dear refuge of my weary soul,
On Thee when sorrows rise
On Thee when waves of trouble roll,
My fainting hope relies
To Thee I tell each rising grief
For Thou alone canst heal
Thy Word can bring a sweet relief
For every pain I feel

But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail,
I fear to call Thee mine,
The springs of comfort seem to fail
And all my hopes decline
Yet gracious God where shall I flee?
Thou art my only trust
And still my soul would cleave to Thee
Though prostrate in the dust

Hast thou not bid me seek Thy face,
And shall I seek in vain?
And can the ear of sovereign grace,
Be deaf when I complain?
No still the ear of sovereign grace,
Attends the mourner's prayer
Oh may I ever find access,
To breathe my sorrows there

Thy mercy seat is open still,
Here let my soul retreat
With humble hope attend Thy will,
And wait beneath Thy feet


there are times when i feel entirely out of place (like an ashtray in an ICU, or a pink flamingo in a flock of geese), i guess most of my life i've felt that i never quite fit in, always just outside of the circle, whichever one i was almost in. maybe most of you are shocked by this... it's not as if i don't have friends, dear lovely ones that have spent many hours laughing and crying with me, for me; fighting with and for each other.
i'm realizing that this feeling of not belonging has kept me from belonging. i've been so insecure with whether or not i was allowed to actually be wherever it was that i was, that i could never fully be there, drop the walls down, and open up. there have been people that have been in and out of my life and i never stopped to fully appreciate their friendship and their love. they loved me for everything i was and wasn't, and i never realized it. i guess it's better to realize it too late than to never realize it at all. perhaps it will help me not make the same mistakes again. oh that the walls would come down, that these monstrous walls of insecurity would finally crumble and fall to the feet of the cross.
a dear friend reminded me the other day of a revelation the Lord had given me last year. He said "you can't screw it up, remember?". I had forgotten. I had been shown that despite the enormity of my failings, with all my mess, and all my weakness... none of it was a match for the strength of the Lord. i had somehow come to believe that my weakness was stronger than the Lord's strength... that i could somehow mess up the Lord's will and plan for my life through my own weaknesses (even though i desire His will to be done). and somehow i forgot, and i started to believe it again. what a lie! what rubbish! His strength is made perfect through my weakness, He gets more honor and glory from the power that He works through me because of my weakness. i can't screw it up. you can't screw it up!

coughing and costumes

after a week of coughing like a crazy person, i'm finally getting better. i've watched far too many movies, and took at least one 3 hour nap per day, one day i took 2 naps, and still slept for 11 hours... goodness. i did, however, try to do something productive, so i started knitting a scarf, which is pretty much complete except for the yarn that sticks out on the sides when you change colors...
i have to work today. 2:30-11. i skipped church so that i could sleep in, i waver between pushing myself too hard (like last monday), and being too easy on myself. eventually i will find a balance. today i think i made the right decision.
i got an email from my mom saying that they went to the cider mill. i miss going there. it's so fun.
and i'm still trying to decide what i should dress up like for halloween. (we're allowed to dress up at work.. it's the best) one year i was a pirate, just so i could say "welcome to stARRRbucks" yeah, i know, cheesy. but, it's the little things in life.
i can't do anything too fancy, as i don't want to ruin my costume, or get glitter in anyone's latte (eww).
so if anyone has any ideas for me, let me know. :]
also, my creative release homegroup is starting up soon (thursday October 23rd at 7:00pm)
its going to be focusing on simple creative projects and helping people express themselves (even if they've never considered themselves to be creative)
let me know if you're interested in coming or just need more info.
we will probably be carving pumpkins as one of our first art projects. yeay!

feels like everything is held together by a thread

faded orange yarn hair held back with a brown ribbon
the little rag doll sniffs, as another tear drips down her already wet face.
she wishes she could be made of more sturdy stuff, like stainless steel...
precise, and cold, instead of held together by thin yellow thread.
she was lovingly knit together, beautifully, delicately made...
but today it feels like the seams are coming apart, and there's no one around to stitch her back together.
she wasn't made for this, her face hot from the shame of another tear falling.
"pull yourself together" she tells herself, "everyone will see you and they'll know what you really are.."

awake

it's 4:25am. i have to be at work at 9:30. i'm restless. although my body is exhausted, i can't seem to make my mind calm down enough to fall back asleep. it keeps searching for things to think about, and situations that i cannot change.
it's beginning to feel like fall, and i wonder if there will ever be a time when i won't brace myself for the sadness that inevitably follows, as though it's carried on the wind that brings the rain and snow.
november 16th marks 22 years since dad passed away. 8 days after my 8th birthday.
i read a book earlier this year called "the Shack", the author must have had something similar occur, he depicted emotions so well. there was much healing that took place in me while reading the book, and some experiences after that led to further healing. He talked about "the Great Sadness", how it was ever present in the heart of the main character. It resonated with me. Since reading the book, and the healings that followed, "the Great Sadness" only visits, it no longer dwells in me. i find myself surprised by it now.
The Lord settled in my heart this year that my dad is with Him. He's whole and healthy, and peacefully, joyfully fishing (apparently it's great there). The Lord also made clear to me (in a dream about dad, the first one i've ever had) that He had given my brother everything he needed in ordered to be wholly whole, fully a man, not lacking in anything. I find myself wondering if i'm still lacking, being 2 years younger, did i miss out on what i needed? but yet, would the Lord not give me everything that i need? that would go against His word, and it would surely go against His heart for me. i find that i've had what i've needed the whole time (in the form of a loving step-father), i just didn't realize it.

i'm praying that work goes quickly tomorrow.. i get cranky when i'm sleep deprived (a weakness of mine), and serving caffeine dependent people their intricately ordered lattes can be difficult even on a full night's sleep. but i am counting tips tomorrow, so that will count for 3.5 of my 8 hours there. and maybe they will have me do some art work, we're introducing a new beverage soon, though i'm not sure when the launch date is.
i wish that i liked working with people more, (haha, to be honest, i wish that i liked people more). there are days when i love it, but there are days when i find it so draining.

i've made new friends recently, and they've been unknowingly pushing me forward in my walk with the Lord. a church i've been attending (though seemingly small, and insignificant) houses great giants of the faith. people whom i am astonished by. men and women of prayer and passion, people who have given up years of their lives to further the work of the kingdom, and continue to press on humbly. i pray that i would one day be a woman of such stature. i find myself asking the Lord again and again, "Teach me how to pray". My heart doesn't break nearly enough for the lost, for the hurting and broken, for the confused, for Your bride. I'm selfish by nature, i like to be comfortable, i don't like to be stretched.. and still the Lord lovingly pushes me forward. gently woos me. and i want to love Him more. i want to trust Him more.

Teach me how to pray unceasingly. until it's more natural than breathing.