it's 4:25am. i have to be at work at 9:30. i'm restless. although my body is exhausted, i can't seem to make my mind calm down enough to fall back asleep. it keeps searching for things to think about, and situations that i cannot change.
it's beginning to feel like fall, and i wonder if there will ever be a time when i won't brace myself for the sadness that inevitably follows, as though it's carried on the wind that brings the rain and snow.
november 16th marks 22 years since dad passed away. 8 days after my 8th birthday.
i read a book earlier this year called "the Shack", the author must have had something similar occur, he depicted emotions so well. there was much healing that took place in me while reading the book, and some experiences after that led to further healing. He talked about "the Great Sadness", how it was ever present in the heart of the main character. It resonated with me. Since reading the book, and the healings that followed, "the Great Sadness" only visits, it no longer dwells in me. i find myself surprised by it now.
The Lord settled in my heart this year that my dad is with Him. He's whole and healthy, and peacefully, joyfully fishing (apparently it's great there). The Lord also made clear to me (in a dream about dad, the first one i've ever had) that He had given my brother everything he needed in ordered to be wholly whole, fully a man, not lacking in anything. I find myself wondering if i'm still lacking, being 2 years younger, did i miss out on what i needed? but yet, would the Lord not give me everything that i need? that would go against His word, and it would surely go against His heart for me. i find that i've had what i've needed the whole time (in the form of a loving step-father), i just didn't realize it.
i'm praying that work goes quickly tomorrow.. i get cranky when i'm sleep deprived (a weakness of mine), and serving caffeine dependent people their intricately ordered lattes can be difficult even on a full night's sleep. but i am counting tips tomorrow, so that will count for 3.5 of my 8 hours there. and maybe they will have me do some art work, we're introducing a new beverage soon, though i'm not sure when the launch date is.
i wish that i liked working with people more, (haha, to be honest, i wish that i liked people more). there are days when i love it, but there are days when i find it so draining.
i've made new friends recently, and they've been unknowingly pushing me forward in my walk with the Lord. a church i've been attending (though seemingly small, and insignificant) houses great giants of the faith. people whom i am astonished by. men and women of prayer and passion, people who have given up years of their lives to further the work of the kingdom, and continue to press on humbly. i pray that i would one day be a woman of such stature. i find myself asking the Lord again and again, "Teach me how to pray". My heart doesn't break nearly enough for the lost, for the hurting and broken, for the confused, for Your bride. I'm selfish by nature, i like to be comfortable, i don't like to be stretched.. and still the Lord lovingly pushes me forward. gently woos me. and i want to love Him more. i want to trust Him more.
Teach me how to pray unceasingly. until it's more natural than breathing.
