i'm currently in the midst of an art project. i'm painting on the front of 2 medicine cabinets. the lady said she wants them to look like paintings. so here goes...

there is a considerable need for confidence when you're an artist. someone may ask if you are capable of doing a project for them, and you have to do look them dead in the eye and say "of course" even if you've never done it before... even if you're not sure you can do it. yup... you have to trust your ability enough to be able to say "yes", even when your insecurities are screaming "um... i don't know... geee, i've never done that before..."
it's also necessary to have boldness. you have to be able to stand your ground and ask for more money than they may want to pay, explaining to them that a painting of such a size is worth this because of: time, materials, your brilliance, and of course, because its going to be worth much more after you've become famous.
all this being said, i had the confidence to say "of course i can paint your medicine cabinets.." but should have asked for a bit more for the project, considering i just spent $30 on supplies. sigh. oh well. another lesson, an interesting project, AND i got to learn about water based polyurethanes wooo

while i was at home depot, i bought an orange pansy... i told the cashier that it needed me. she said it was cute.
i bought valentines stuff at michaels crafts, went there for more yellow oxide colored paint. all of the valentines day leftovers were 90% off... i couldn't help myself. maybe next year i'll have a picture to go in the red and pink enamel heart frame that i only paid 90 cents for.

got home from shopping and immediately re-potted the pansy, while i was at it, i decided to re-pot the basil plant that's been struggling all winter. hopefully it will be happier when it goes outside. i cannot wait til it starts to get warmer. someone told me its going to be in the low 60s on sunday. oh happy happy day!

i've been babysitting a 3 year old boy for the past 3 weeks. it's been a fun adventure, i find my thoughts are more child like because of it, which is a great thing. he got new shoes. they were going to throw out the shoe box, but i snagged it. for some reason it beckoned me to do something with it. i plan on decorating it, but i don't know yet what will go inside. it feels like it should contain valentines, despite the fact that the holiday has long since past (and that when it IS valentines day i despise it altogether), and st patricks day is approaching. oh what to put in the little shoe box... i'm sure i'll come up with something eventually.

joy all bottled up

confession...
every time i watch the movie Coraline, i have the strong desire to paint my fingernails blue.
i've been babysitting a little boy who's current favorite movie happens to be coraline.
last week i went out and spent $5 on blue nail polish.
it seems like a ridiculous purchase. however, i'm typing this while my electric blue polish is drying, and it has brought considerable joy to my day. maybe it's worth $5 just for that. and it will last me a while... years of joy, all packaged in a little glass bottle. i guess i've never thought of nail polish that way, it always seemed to be an impulse purchase, but i've always loved the crazy colors they've come out with. i'm not sure how many i currently own, but it's probably at least 50. most of them I don't use... some are definite favorites. the ones i don't use are ones that might work for having to dress up professionally, or they're one's that were given to me, or ones that i've had since high school (that was a while ago! haha)

this past weekend i went with a friend to the Edgar Allen Poe museum in Richmond. also got to meet up with a couple friends while i was there... it was a nice trip. i bought a patch to add to my collection, and a book of Poe's Poetry.
I picked up a magazine on Richmond when we stopped at the Virginia welcome center. I found an add that sells chartered hot air balloon rides. Looked up the website, it's $300 for a single person, $250 per person for a couple. God I'd love to do that. It'll happen some day.

today i start eating healthy again. i gave myself a break from the strictness for a couple weeks. my friend Kirk gave me a link to a meal plan program, haven't figured it all out yet... he also stepped me through some exercises that kick my tail. have to start getting up earlier and heading to the gym immediately upon waking. ugh.
trying not to focus on discouragement, need to focus on the benefits of eating healthy, and all the energy and happiness that i get from working out regularly. i want to become someone that loves working out. it can happen, right?
no, i don't want that cookie, may i have an apple instead? oh, i love salads... haha.
goodness.
i guess even if i just change a couple things a day, make a couple wise choices instead of eating what ever i want, it will help. i do tend to work better with some sort of a plan... but counting things doesn't work very well, mostly cuz i lose track.

today, after babysitting, i'm meeting up with a lady that wants me to do 1 or 2 drawings for her. i'm pretty excited about it... i'm definitely needing the business. goodness.
tomorrow i'm heading to Marion to visit my dear friend Jessica, it will be so good to see her! it's been far too long. she quickly became a best friend while in our 2nd year of ministry school, never laughed harder with another human being. was happy for her when she got married, but i've missed her since she's moved away.

seems there's so much i want to work on/work towards. I spend far too much time on facebook. gotta stop wasting the time i have. gonna start making a schedule to follow... maybe that'll help.

ponderings.

it's been several days since my last entry. I'm still doing the Daniel Fast, I've decided to keep going until February 12th. Which is 40 days, and also happens to be my friend's birthday party. I plan on eating cheese.. you better believe it. haha.
I still haven't lost a whole lot. It's a bit frustrating, knowing that in previous years I typically lost about 30 pounds. This year, so far, I think I've lost about 7.
One of my friends has been losing a lot of weight lately, she looks amazing (not that she wasn't gorgeous before). She said that she had to start forgiving herself for things and then the weight just started melting off, and I have a feeling that might be the key for me as well. Especially after this past season. good heavens.
My most recent relationships haven't been the best. The guys weren't all about drawing me closer to the Lord, that's for sure, and I am very aware now of how easy it is for someone to be pulled/led down a path that they wouldn't normally choose on their own. It's humbling and scary really. And I'm thankful that the Lord didn't let it get so out of control. I want to cling to Him and let me lead me... and yet I'm very impatient. (even though I know His timing is perfect)

I've been struggling with the balance of wanting to be seen, and not wanting to be seen by everyone.
Example:
I went to a club this past week to support a friend that was DJing. A few of us were standing around listening to the music and waiting for her turn, and a very drunk man walked by me and grabbed my ass. I had no idea what to do. Its the first time that has ever happened to me, at least coming from someone I don't know. I was mortified, and pissed all at the same time. (In other words, I don't like being noticed in this way) Thankfully, my friend's HUGE boyfriend went over and told the guy that he wasn't to mess with any of us. And then the guy that was making sure everyone had their hand stamped came over and apologized and promised that it wouldn't happen again. (being protected is a much better kind of attention.)
however, when I go to church (the place that should have a lot of guys that would have the same beliefs as I do) I feel ignored. Or invisible.
How do you connect? How do you get talking to someone? How do you meet someone?
The age old dilemma I guess.
Its not like I want to go to church and get hit on, I certainly wouldn't expect to be standing there and have some guy walk past and grab my ass. But really, the kind of man that I would want to marry would more than likely be at church. It would be extremely ironic for me to find someone of that quality at a bar. How funny would that be?!
And I strongly feel that it's not my place to pursue a relationship, so how do I let it be known that I'm open to one? I realize that we go to church to seek the Lord, but it's also a time of fellowship with others. So what do I do? I joked with a friend about making a t-shirt that says "Available: call...." modeled after the billboards. I'm afraid that it would only attract the type I'm not wanting to attract. Same goes for the idea of a "singles ministry", though honestly, I have been tempted to go to a different church to check out their singles ministry. LOL.

Well, I guess that's all for now. I need to work on some artwork, and go to the gym... i've been slacking.
the sun is out and the snow is almost all melted. hallelujah. I can't wait til spring!

Spirit of Heaviness

I decided that thursdays are weigh in days. I only lost a pound this week. I spent the last three days working my butt off helping to paint a random house. I'm tired, I'm sore, and everyday the guys would order HUGE hamburgers, and I would sit there with my granola bar... sigh. I'm thankful I didn't gain weight, I would be giving up for sure if I would have. I don't know if i'm just not drinking enough water or if I need to stop eating peanut butter again or what.. can I just say, admit to you, that I'm really frustrated by this? If I think too much about it I'll go into a tail spin. It took me a week and a half over Christmas to gain 7 pounds (i'm not exaggerating.. this wouldn't be something I would boast about)... how is it that it's taken me 25 days to lose 5?! Oh Lord help me. I know if I give up now I'll just keep gaining weight. And really, this isn't about not loving myself, this is about loving myself enough to know this weight cannot be good for me. It just feels like I'm being punished if I can't have something I want... my body is like a 3 year old at the grocery store that insists that they HAVE TO have that random shiny box of sugar coated goodness or THEY'LL DIE... WAAaaaHHHH!!!! so I'm slapping my inner child and telling her she can color to her hearts content but she's not getting the pop tarts, or the bacon, or the mountain dew... Here dear, have a banana.
I've half jokingly decided that this all can be blamed on the spirit of Heaviness. about 67 pounds of heaviness. LOL. pharaoh pharaoh, oh baby let my people go...! So I'm praying that the Lord releases me from this. It is oppressive, all joking aside. And I'm tired of carrying it around.

on a complete other note...
I woke up this morning from a random dream. My grandma (we called her Nana) was in it, and she bought us all cars. (She passed away in 1999 and I don't remember her ever being in any of my dreams before). I'm not sure what inspired her to buy us all cars, but she decided she wanted to. I saw the car she gave me, and I started crying and gave her a huge hug. I really liked it. I got in it and it had purple carpeting. It was a manual transmission, and didn't have power steering. It seemed like a cool older model car, compact, like it was from europe. I remember thinking about my actual car, and started thinking about car insurance and how i was gonna pay for 2 cars and what state I was going to register the car in... goodness.
what an odd dream. It made me miss her.

guess that's all for now. gotta go grocery shopping, and then off to help move and assemble furniture at a friends house. does that count as "weight lifting"?

mmmm grilled "cheese"

i didn't blog yesterday, ran out of energy. haha.
spent the last 2 days helping friends paint a house, the project is a bit overwhelming.. so much to do!
made the fake grilled "cheese" sandwich tonight.. was delightfully surprised. if someone switched out kraft slices for veggie slices i don't think i'd be able to tell the difference. it was freakin good. haha. sigh of contentment.
my arms are sore from painting all day. gonna go to bed early tonight. planning on helping out tomorrow too, until it's time for me to go do worship art at church. looking forward to that. :)
guess that's all i have to report today. feeling in a much better place mentally since i've been working hard and spending time with people.

love love

lonliness and ramblings

woke up this morning and headed to church. sat with a friend and got caught up on what's he's been up to. left church feeling slightly sad, not sure why. didn't really have a plan for the day. got home, checked my email. nothing new to report. no new art clients, no fun letters from friends. fell asleep for about an hour, got up still feeling sad. maybe sad isn't the right word, maybe just lonely. that wretched day that is 2/14 is coming up, and it brings with it an anticipation and hope, and a feeling of expected let down. it's looking like i'll be alone again.
this past year was so odd. It had been 10 years since i had dated anyone and then all of a sudden, I ended up dating lots of guys, or at least going on lots of dates. but this year, nothing. the last relationship i was in, i broke things off on christmas eve. what awful timing huh? it never would have worked.. he lived too far away, and our beliefs were no where near similar. in fact, they were as opposite as they could be. but he was sweet, and i found the decision difficult.
I find i've been tempted to return to previous relationships, just for the sake of getting rid of the gnawing lonely feeling. I get bored and i want someone to hold me and make me laugh. at times i don't even really care who i'd be held by. a scary thing to admit, especially over the internet. lol I've also found that i have this nagging voice in the back of my head saying that i need to lower my standards because i'm being unreasonable.
but the truth is
1. i've made a decision to wait for the right guy
2. i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
3. if a guy isn't about protecting my purity, than he's not about loving my heart either. i will not settle, i've waited too long
4. i wish my future husband would hurry the hell up. LOL


for dinner tonight i went and got stir fried veggies and rice. i cheated and ate my fortune cookie. i couldn't help myself. haha! it told me that an unexpected visitor would bring me gifts or something... so friends, and presents... 2 of my favorite things! :)
i went to the grocery store and bought some veggie cheese. its presliced, and it's suppose to taste like chedder. tomorrow i'm going to put it on my brown rice, gluten free bread and make myself a grilled "cheese" sandwich. if you don't hear from me, you'll know what happened. haha
i may post a picture of it if it turns out well...

I might go see a movie with a friend tonight, not sure.
i'm hoping tomorrow will be sunny. i'm in need to a long walk outside.
thinking about starting to write comics again, it's been a long while, and it's always good for me to find the humor in situations. found a couple old ones i had started from way back when i lived with liesl... good times.

morning zombie

i woke up around 10 today. it's almost 1 and i feel like i need a nap haha. i stayed up too late last night, went to Dave and Busters and spent waaay too much time trying to get a stupid watch out of a crane machine. it was in the claw, and it should have stayed, but I think the watch was too heavy so it was dropped. irritating. haha. played some racing games, always a favorite for me. oddly, the one that seemed like it would be the coolest was actually the lamest. go figure. had a good time though. a roommate woke me up to move my car this morning. i was a bit of a cranky zombie, and felt bad about how grumpy i must have sounded/appeared. whomever i end up marrying better like cranky non-morning people, cuz i tend to need a few minutes before i'm anywhere close to human. haha.
didn't really accomplish anything yesterday except going to the gym and doing a load of laundry... not sure if i have much motivation today either. lol. oh Lord help me! ;)

love love