Spirit of Heaviness

I decided that thursdays are weigh in days. I only lost a pound this week. I spent the last three days working my butt off helping to paint a random house. I'm tired, I'm sore, and everyday the guys would order HUGE hamburgers, and I would sit there with my granola bar... sigh. I'm thankful I didn't gain weight, I would be giving up for sure if I would have. I don't know if i'm just not drinking enough water or if I need to stop eating peanut butter again or what.. can I just say, admit to you, that I'm really frustrated by this? If I think too much about it I'll go into a tail spin. It took me a week and a half over Christmas to gain 7 pounds (i'm not exaggerating.. this wouldn't be something I would boast about)... how is it that it's taken me 25 days to lose 5?! Oh Lord help me. I know if I give up now I'll just keep gaining weight. And really, this isn't about not loving myself, this is about loving myself enough to know this weight cannot be good for me. It just feels like I'm being punished if I can't have something I want... my body is like a 3 year old at the grocery store that insists that they HAVE TO have that random shiny box of sugar coated goodness or THEY'LL DIE... WAAaaaHHHH!!!! so I'm slapping my inner child and telling her she can color to her hearts content but she's not getting the pop tarts, or the bacon, or the mountain dew... Here dear, have a banana.
I've half jokingly decided that this all can be blamed on the spirit of Heaviness. about 67 pounds of heaviness. LOL. pharaoh pharaoh, oh baby let my people go...! So I'm praying that the Lord releases me from this. It is oppressive, all joking aside. And I'm tired of carrying it around.

on a complete other note...
I woke up this morning from a random dream. My grandma (we called her Nana) was in it, and she bought us all cars. (She passed away in 1999 and I don't remember her ever being in any of my dreams before). I'm not sure what inspired her to buy us all cars, but she decided she wanted to. I saw the car she gave me, and I started crying and gave her a huge hug. I really liked it. I got in it and it had purple carpeting. It was a manual transmission, and didn't have power steering. It seemed like a cool older model car, compact, like it was from europe. I remember thinking about my actual car, and started thinking about car insurance and how i was gonna pay for 2 cars and what state I was going to register the car in... goodness.
what an odd dream. It made me miss her.

guess that's all for now. gotta go grocery shopping, and then off to help move and assemble furniture at a friends house. does that count as "weight lifting"?

mmmm grilled "cheese"

i didn't blog yesterday, ran out of energy. haha.
spent the last 2 days helping friends paint a house, the project is a bit overwhelming.. so much to do!
made the fake grilled "cheese" sandwich tonight.. was delightfully surprised. if someone switched out kraft slices for veggie slices i don't think i'd be able to tell the difference. it was freakin good. haha. sigh of contentment.
my arms are sore from painting all day. gonna go to bed early tonight. planning on helping out tomorrow too, until it's time for me to go do worship art at church. looking forward to that. :)
guess that's all i have to report today. feeling in a much better place mentally since i've been working hard and spending time with people.

love love

lonliness and ramblings

woke up this morning and headed to church. sat with a friend and got caught up on what's he's been up to. left church feeling slightly sad, not sure why. didn't really have a plan for the day. got home, checked my email. nothing new to report. no new art clients, no fun letters from friends. fell asleep for about an hour, got up still feeling sad. maybe sad isn't the right word, maybe just lonely. that wretched day that is 2/14 is coming up, and it brings with it an anticipation and hope, and a feeling of expected let down. it's looking like i'll be alone again.
this past year was so odd. It had been 10 years since i had dated anyone and then all of a sudden, I ended up dating lots of guys, or at least going on lots of dates. but this year, nothing. the last relationship i was in, i broke things off on christmas eve. what awful timing huh? it never would have worked.. he lived too far away, and our beliefs were no where near similar. in fact, they were as opposite as they could be. but he was sweet, and i found the decision difficult.
I find i've been tempted to return to previous relationships, just for the sake of getting rid of the gnawing lonely feeling. I get bored and i want someone to hold me and make me laugh. at times i don't even really care who i'd be held by. a scary thing to admit, especially over the internet. lol I've also found that i have this nagging voice in the back of my head saying that i need to lower my standards because i'm being unreasonable.
but the truth is
1. i've made a decision to wait for the right guy
2. i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
3. if a guy isn't about protecting my purity, than he's not about loving my heart either. i will not settle, i've waited too long
4. i wish my future husband would hurry the hell up. LOL


for dinner tonight i went and got stir fried veggies and rice. i cheated and ate my fortune cookie. i couldn't help myself. haha! it told me that an unexpected visitor would bring me gifts or something... so friends, and presents... 2 of my favorite things! :)
i went to the grocery store and bought some veggie cheese. its presliced, and it's suppose to taste like chedder. tomorrow i'm going to put it on my brown rice, gluten free bread and make myself a grilled "cheese" sandwich. if you don't hear from me, you'll know what happened. haha
i may post a picture of it if it turns out well...

I might go see a movie with a friend tonight, not sure.
i'm hoping tomorrow will be sunny. i'm in need to a long walk outside.
thinking about starting to write comics again, it's been a long while, and it's always good for me to find the humor in situations. found a couple old ones i had started from way back when i lived with liesl... good times.

morning zombie

i woke up around 10 today. it's almost 1 and i feel like i need a nap haha. i stayed up too late last night, went to Dave and Busters and spent waaay too much time trying to get a stupid watch out of a crane machine. it was in the claw, and it should have stayed, but I think the watch was too heavy so it was dropped. irritating. haha. played some racing games, always a favorite for me. oddly, the one that seemed like it would be the coolest was actually the lamest. go figure. had a good time though. a roommate woke me up to move my car this morning. i was a bit of a cranky zombie, and felt bad about how grumpy i must have sounded/appeared. whomever i end up marrying better like cranky non-morning people, cuz i tend to need a few minutes before i'm anywhere close to human. haha.
didn't really accomplish anything yesterday except going to the gym and doing a load of laundry... not sure if i have much motivation today either. lol. oh Lord help me! ;)

love love

wasting time

i woke up this morning at 9am. i came downstairs and ate breakfast and then headed back upstairs to check my email. i wasted the entire morning on the internet. i checked my email, then i checked my facebook, then i chatted with people and commented on photos and chatted some more, until i realized it was 1pm. good grief.
i made myself get off the internet and go to the gym. 3/5 of a star today.
i know it's essential that i start creating paintings on a regular basis. i've been taking pictures, but paintings are important. the more i create, the more i can sell. so here i am, on the internet again. guess this is all for now.
love love

day 2 - feeling motivated

yesterday i created a poster that looks similar to a board game. each space on the board equals one pound. I'll put a sticker on each pound I lose till I reach my goal weight. I have a long way to go, but you gotta start some where.
I went for a lovely walk yesterday, took some (i think) really nice pictures.
today I went to the gym, ran into a couple friends which is always nice. I started the President's Challenge again, today is day 2 of activity. 3 more days and I get my first star. I'm such a nerd. stars and stickers.. what great motivators!
Guess that's all for now. It's about time for lunch... and then time to work on something creative for the day :)
love love

its january...

It's 60 degrees, and it's January. Yesterday it felt like spring cleaning needed to be done. I've been so lazy... I had stuff in my car from my trip home to Michigan at Christmas time. I just never made the effort to take it out. my room was also a disaster. I had started to put away Christmas nick-knacks and never fully finished. So yesterday i pulled everything out of the corners and off the floor and piled them on my bed, sorted through them, threw 2 garbage bags of paper/trash (yes 2! yikes!) away, and took my Christmas decoration boxes and gift wrap containers and a few other things downstairs to store on the shelf in the garage. I can now see the back wall of my closet, and my room looks more airy and spacious. ahhh... i even dusted the ceiling fan, which was (by the way) disgusting.
life is always a little crazy.
Last August I began my own free-lance art business. The Lord has been faithful with bringing me clients, friend, family, perfect strangers to commission me to paint something for them. It's been a really interesting experience. Scary at times, as I am BARELY making enough, and really need to make more so I can pay off debt. I'm sorry to say I have debt... ugh, it's such a terrible thing to be in. I always knew I was in danger of being in it, I used to make a whole lot more and would barely squeak by each month, mostly because I would buy stupid stuff. If I could get paid to shop, I would make a whole lot of money ha ha. So anyways, art... It's been really great. I've become more confident in my own abilities, and each time I take on a project, I feel like I get better, which is wonderful.
There's so much for me to be working on, figuring out how to get my name out there, print off business cards, figure out if I need to get a website up and running..
and not just the art stuff, but over all.. I really want to get my act together. To be honest, I feel like most areas of my life are a mess. And it's time for spring cleaning. And not just spring cleaning, but everyday upkeep.
area 1: art business
area 2: weight loss
I have been overweight for majority of my life. Every year I try to make an effort to lose it, and tend to lose some but just can't seem to keep up the intensity, and eventually fall back into old habits, namely eating what ever the hell I want to and sitting on my butt. But I want this year to be different. I started the Daniel Fast on January 3rd. That essentially means I'm eating like a vegan: no meat, no dairy, no wheat, and no peanuts. yesterday I decided to allow myself peanuts, as I don't think I'm getting enough protein. I haven't decided how long I'm going to stick with the Daniel Fast, but I'm wondering if I should stay with it until I've reached my goal weight.. which means that I'm gonna be a vegan for a while. I have 72 pounds to loose. yup, that's right, 72. EEeee gads.
Trying to come up with a plan for getting myself excited about the gym... at least its warm out so I'll want to walk, very excited to go out to the green ways again. :)
I think I'm gonna track my activities on the president's challenge site. For every day of 30 minutes of activity you get a 5th of a star. After 5 days a week for 6 weeks, you get an award. You have to order and pay for the award (I think its a patch or something) which is more than slightly lame, but still.. it's an award. ha ha.

I've also been trying to push myself to do something creative everyday. This may include taking pictures, writing a poem, writing a blog, painting, doing a collage... but I really would like to get myself in the habit of creating everyday. I think it's an important thing, it gets my mind working in the right direction.

alright, I'm off to the gym.

love ya
steph(y)